Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Long Loneliness

[note: below is a "I had a bad day" tirade that I only decided to publish so that if any other mother had the same kind of day I had today she wouldn't feel alone. They happen to the best of us. Also, the above quote from Dorothy Day is referring to the abuse of the worker in the factory -- not motherhood; I know it does not best illustrate my post but it is angst ridden and so am I tonight; I also just really like Dorothy Day and wanted an excuse to drop her name.]

So it's only the beginning of November and I already have the winter blues.

I typically try to be an optimistic person but even I get down on days like this. Rainy. Boring & Busy. Busy & Boring (only a mother will understand how it is possible to be both busy and bored at the same time). Out of ideas by 4 pm. Not a McDonald's Playland in sight.

So what is a lonely mother to do besides dream of warmer climates. Warmer climates where people live in huts on the beach and watch their kids play in the sand. Not like here where people stopped having kids in 1955.

I don't know. I love my kids but so much of modern motherhood really bites. I should just stop writing now before I send everyone outside for a cigarette but I guess I've just had one of those days.

I'd like to think motherhood wasn't always so lonely and isolating. I'd like to think that in the past streets like mine were bustling with toddlers rather than old men sitting on their couches collecting disability.

That's not the case today. So what do I do ...

Today it was hide and go seek and competitions for who's the highest jumper on my bed and singing Home on the Range in the cowboy room until the cows come home or at least until daddy comes home from his 12 hour work day.

I don't know. I've heard of buying karaoke machines and singing to pass the winter months. I just don't know.

I just don't know. Travelling has become so difficult with 3 small kids that I feel stuck. Last winter a jaunt to the Dollar Store was a good blah day outing but now such a feat can be disasterous -- or at least more trouble than it's worth.

So what do I do? I was thinking today about Dorothy Day's biography The Long Loneliness where she explained the title of her book. It was something about how her soul would be lonely until it was united with God in heaven. I asked her to pray for me.

I remember thinking that I should let the pain of these kind of days push me toward God rather than away from him. I think today it pushed me away. So I guess I'll try the better approach tomorrow. But hopefully it won't rain and we'll be able to go to the park.


abigail said...

After I read this post, I was thinking about how I don't feel this way often-- or at least not for the same reasons-- and I wondered why. Then it hit me...Becky's next door! We're in and out of each other's houses several times a day for little questions and to borrow cups of sugar; I wonder how many times the latent, underlying reason is what you write of, though.

When we lived in Buffalo, I still wasn't crazy for female companionship, but I did go for walks with the girls all the time. It was my way of keeping off the crazies, I think.

I pray those days for you are few and far between, and I wish you also lived next door. I'd hit you up for cups of sugar until you were afraid to answer the door.

Sarah said...

Thanks for your comment;

I don't have too many days like the one I described but when I do I always imagine things would be different if I lived nearby family the way people did in the past.

I've had times in my life when I've had more community support; whether it be the friend in the apartment down the hall at our old place or other moms in town here. But I find that type of support to be fluid and I find myself always wishing to live closer to family.

So it's in my prayers.