I never found out the gender of my babies before they were born. No real reason. I just wanted to be surprised.
When I'd make front porch talk with neighbors, it was always the same thing:
"When are you due?" they'd ask.
"Soon," I'd reply.
"A boy or a girl?" they'd ask.
"I don't know," I'd say, "I want to be surprised."
"Well, just as long as it's healthy," they'd say and smile and I'd smile too. But inside I'd pause.
Because even before two out of three of my kids were born with significant health problems, this statement, "As long as it's healthy" irritated me.
As if it meant I wouldn't want my child if he had an extra toe, a heart defect or any other malady common to humans, especially baby humans. While I know the comment was always said in good will, my mind would silently reply: "But I'll take an unhealthy baby too. Just give me a baby -- healthy or not. I'll just take a baby."
I remember thinking such sentiment even before my first son was born. Perhaps God was preparing me for the trial we'd later have with Gussie. Perhaps. Perhaps God was preparing me for Simeon. Perhaps.
I'll explain. It has become pretty clear that our little Simeon has Noonan's Syndrome. While the DNA results won't be back for a few weeks, we're pretty convinced that the diagnosis will be positive. I'm sure I'll write more about his condition in times to come but you can check out the sites yourself and know that we are comforted by the fact that Simeon simply has the external characteristics of the syndrome (no heart defect) and is otherwise a healthy newborn -- eats very well, is alert and content.
Keep us in your prayers as the news is sobering. I'm still a bit in shock -- confused by all these feelings. One second I'm staring at him in awe of his beauty, feeling so blessed he's mine. The next, I'm sinking in dark sadness, scared of what life holds for this little man ... and for me.
Fortunately, Simeon thrives. And fortunately he is our baby -- the one God has given us. He is pleasant. He is perfect -- "fearfully and wonderfully made."
Only time will tell what Simeon's condition means for us. But this much I know is true -- I love him. I love him with that magic love born with the baby -- that fierce Mother Mountain Lion Love that breaths fire at predators and needs no rest.
So no, "I don't know what I'm having" as far as what kind of life I'll have with Simeon. But I know that I love him. Of this, I'm certain. And perhaps I'm naive but this love quiets my heart, delivers peace to my soul and makes me certain that it's all going to be ok.